I think I know what I'm doing with my life career-wise. But it's everything else that makes me feel like I'm a sinking ship. Sinking, because I don't feel the suffocation one would when they're drowning in sorrow, or heartbreak, or anything like that; sinking, because I feel helpless a lot, and I don't know how to get myself out of this state; sinking, just constantly sinking.

I don't think I would describe myself to be a sad person. But I don't exactly think I'm happy or content with life the way it is right now either. It's weird. I'm not sure why I get this feeling of helplessness. Or why I feel like I'm sinking. I just know that something's not quite right.

Just for a short time, I want to get away. Funny though, aren't I? I want to spend my days alone, roaming foreign cities, and yet at the same time, I want to go on an adventure with my close friends, and just talk with them all day and all night. I want to spend every aching second lying in bed by myself, reading a book and sipping some coffee, but at the same time, I want to spend every waking moment surrounded by the people I love, just sitting together, perhaps not even talking. I love my alone time; I also love my friends. Both of these things make me happy.

But then. That makes me think of my close friends .. and I realize that where I would want to include certain people in all of my adventures, I'm not one of the people that they would think of to include in their own journeys. And so. I fall into some sort of sadness, because I want to be a person that you might miss. I think I say "I've missed you" or "I miss you" a lot. Not excessively; but I find that I do miss the company of certain people, especially since I usually see the same people each week. But ... aside from my exes  and close girl friends, people don't usually say something like that to me. I guess I'm not someone people usually think about .. and when you don't see someone, and don't think about them, there's no reason for you to miss them. So there you go. I'm not a person worthy of being missed. That makes me sad.

Most of all though, I think I'm just lonely. I'm tired of trying to talk to people who won't listen to what I have to say. I'm also weary of always texting people, expecting to have to wait at least a few hours for a reply, or never receiving a response at all. Maybe I'm a boring person to talk to. Couldn't people just tell me they're busy or something so that I can stop waiting on them?

Fuuuuuu- Why am I always so dramatic? I beat myself up a little inside, every time I write a post. I know this is how I feel, but I don't like writing it down. It feels necessary though, for blogging seems as good a method as any to let pieces of myself out. *sigh* I think I should start counting the number of times I sigh in a day. Lately I feel like sighing is my most common action.

Yahoo, two days from now I will be almost stress free because I'll have handed in my assignment and completed my oral bio mid-sem exam! Time to get crack-a-lackin' with the assignment now then !

I hate making headings

I wonder if what I think about on a day-to-day basis is anything like what anyone else might think about. During my prosthetic technology labs (which equates to roughly 24 hours per week) when I'm not talking to my friends, I have a lot of time to think. So I usually think mostly about myself and hypothetical situations I'd hate/love to be placed in.

Recently, I've got to admit that my hypothetical situations have been sort of out of whack though. I've been imagining lots of scenarios that are realistic (as in no aliens, talking animals, winning the lotto, and whatever other retarded non-realistic thing you can think of), ideal for me, but also impossible to occur. *sighhhh*

Okay, so I'm going on a bit of a tangent here, because I can't be bothered to continue on my thoughts on my thoughts (lol). I used to believe that "being out of someone's league" didn't exist. I thought that you should be able to like anyone without thinking that, but now I think that maybe that's just because I was used to getting attention, and if someone liked me, or I liked someone else, that was the end of that. Believe what you want, but I guess I was a pretty popular kid with the boys back in the day.

Now, in the present, in this body, in this mind, Liz is so out of anyone's league. Okay, so I think of my friends. Namely the guys that I get to see often, and I think ... These guys are such amazing people, and I could never tell any of them that I liked them (if I did) because they are just so out of my league. Like, it's not even worth considering, because if I am in this league, then they would be in this league. Does that make sense? It's like we're from different planets. I look up to all four of them so much that if I disappoint any one of them, I would just feel like I've committed one of the biggest crimes possible.

I wish I could be in level with my friends. I don't really have the brains, the looks, the money, or even the personality.. If someone asked me to (honestly) describe myself, I'd say I'm relatively nice, and mostly boring. Super quiet. The things I think about seem so stupid, especially since they can/will never occur, so it's just like I'm wasting my time, and everyone else's space.

How did this post turn into another depressing post? *sighhhh* See what writing does to me? It brings out my worst, most brutally honest feelings.

I'm so curious about who actually reads my blog. Since I started posting a few days ago, I've been getting about 40 hits per day according to Blogger, and I thought it was maybe because I kept writing something, then clicking 'view blog', but as it turns out, the hit counter doesn't rise when I view my own blog. Soooo either there are a heck of a lot of randoms coming across my blog, or someone's coming to check really often ..

This is super random, but I've decided that I'm going to try to stop/reduce how often I use emoticons in my texts. I use the following extremely often: Oo", ><, ><", +__+, ==", :D/D:/:P. I think that my texts sound too serious if I don't use them, but that's probably only because I've become so reliant on them to be able to convey my expressions across. From now on, I'm going to keep them to a minimum. I've done this before, and I eventually just got used to texting without them (without having to consciously think about leaving them out). I have no idea why I started to use them again. Well, 'tis the time for me to stop once again!

Headache ..

I have the worst headache, but it's not one of those ones that make it hard to think. No, I can think just fine, and it doesn't make me tired/sleepy. BUT every time I turn/bang my head, touch it in the wrong way, or lean back against my chair (and my head rests on the chair), I just get this localized pain on the back of my head, and it's killing me! Usually when I study, I'll read a paragraph, and then I'll sit back and try to recite it to myself and maybe even pretend to teach it to an imaginary person, but I just can't do that with this throbbing pain. It definitely wasn't this bad in the morning; this morning, I could hit myself in the spot (that currently aches) and I wouldn't feel anything .. Now, I turn my head just a little, and it's like BOOM, like a cannon went off at the back of my head. *sigh* Please go away soon ..

ANOTHER rant, but about a younger Liz

Fourth post for the night, oh dear, there is some MAJOR procrastination going on here! I promise I wasn't planning on writing anything more, but I just had to, because I'll probably forget exactly what I'm feeling right now.

So, I have this secret other blog that I made purely to write ONE post in. It was about a person in my past, and I remember thinking to myself at the time, "I'll write this today, so that one day I may look back at it and realize how stupid I was for feeling this way". I was really upset at the time, and I think I cried quite often in this period of time. I'm obviously not going to reveal the blog post, because it's just extremely personal, especially since there was nothing I wanted to hide from myself while writing it. But can I just say (and although I don't swear often, I think this occasion calls for a good cussing):

Fuck, FUCK LIZ. I honestly can't believe how unbelievably childish I was. In my defense, I was young(er) when I wrote it, but I just. You know what I was doing? I wrote questions, and knew the answers to each one, but I thought I was being honest in my questions and lying in my answers. I still do. The thing with writing is that it helps me organize my thoughts and understand myself better, but it doesn't help me change who I am, or get over things easier, or take anything away from me.

Have you ever heard that saying, "you should never regret anything in life, because at one point, it was exactly what you wanted" (or something like that). Well, you see, maybe it was exactly what you wanted then, but it sure as hell doesn't mean that it isn't something that I wouldn't take away from my life if I had the option to now. It's like telling a smoker with lung cancer to never regret that first inhale of a cigarette - because, you know dude, that's totally what you wanted then, so you should just accept that fact now and live with it? Argh

It's funny, how emotional you can feel while writing one thing, and read it later feeling completely detached to the post - like you're reading about someone else's life. Well, that's how I felt while I read the stupid post. It's probably how I'll feel if/when I decide to read through the countless emails I wrote to myself (as a means of keeping a journal) in the past.

Just to clarify about me

This is my third post for the night, but I just wanted to add something: I've come to realize that some (okay, maybe a lot) of my posts make me sound like a whinging, whining, and annoying person who absolutely hates herself, but ... Well, I was going to say that I don't hate myself (and I'll totally admit that I am whingy, whiny and annoying). But there are many, many things that I hate about myself. In the end though, I guess I don't actually hate my whole being. It's just that I tend to think more about my negative aspects, because they're so much clearer in my mind than what's good in me. I could write about how amazing of a person I am too, but that would probably take 2 hours per blog post because I'd have to think for a loooong time, AND it would come out narcissistic and snobby, which is why I refrain from doing so. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I'm not totally sad all the time - just a little down on my bad days.

Being one-sided in things

I hate it when things feel/become one-sided. For example, with certain people, I feel like I always have to initiate contact first, even if it's as simple as sending texts to them. Up to that point things are okay ... but when it takes someone forever to reply to my texts (or don't ever reply at all), it just makes me wonder if I'm a nuisance to them - like "Oh, Liz texted me, it's probably nothing important so I'll just never text her back". It especially irks me when said people claim that we're close.. I just don't see how hard it is to send a quick reply. Most people should probably know by now that I don't really like phone calls .. I'd prefer to either text/skype or talk in person. But like, that's not the only instance where I get annoyed/upset at one-sided aspects of a relationship.

I also hate when I'm with someone I don't see too often, and instead of paying attention to us, they're just on their phone the whole time, either texting or playing games. Can't you just put your phone down for a minute? I get that you need to talk to people and stuff, but just give it a break? I mean, I'd understand with people like Paul, because I see him every day and obviously I'm used to him and his phone habits, but for people that I meet once in a while, this gets really annoying because you're just putting it out there that, no, I'm not worth your time.

To be honest, it's just mainly the close-people-taking-forever-to-reply thing that gets to me. Because I want to have a conversation, but they're just not replying .. so .. what do I do ? Am I just over-thinking this, or what? It's not even like I'm complaining about the space of 5 minutes. Think more between the lines of 2 hours to a day. So my text convos will be like this:

Me: *texts at 8pm*
Them: *texts back the next day*
Me: *responds as soon as they reply, because I have my phone on me 24/7*
Them: *doesn't text back for another 3 or 4 hours*

It gets tiring, thinking about why people just don't respond to my texts. Maybe everyone's just busy, and I should get busy with my life too. *sigh*

*shuts down emotional brain*

*full power study brain*

end rant

Random thoughts/my day

Today, I had a great day! I began my day at 5am, and I actually woke up from the pouring rain, which was louder than the sound of my alarm! It was pitch black and super cold, but I had to get up for work. Not only did I get to work with my favourite crew people, but my shift also got extended from 5 hours → 8!!! Yahoo, the extra hours almost make up for the hours lost in next week's roster.

On my lunch break/after work, I managed to get some study done~ I guess once I really get my head into oral bio, it's not so bad ... It just bogs me that there's so much content to go over in so little time - like, what am I going to do?! I'll probably have to go to bed at 12am for the next few days :( Ahh I hate losing sleep, because I become such a grumpy person, and honestly, my whole body/mind feels so exhausted that it becomes hard to think. BUT for the sake of oral bio, I guess I'll have to give up some sleep .. :(

So anyway, I did a lot of thinking at work today. Usually I'd be preoccupied with stocking things up, cleaning, serving customers, etc, but due to the rain, we only had a handful of customers between 7-9am, and so I just sat on a bench and thought. About me, mostly. And as a result, I have reached a few conclusions about myself:

• I am actually a terribly judgmental person (but that doesn't affect my image of my close friends). I see things, I judge, but that's the end of it. Unless it concerns me, it doesn't change who/what someone is to me.
• I'm not very good at sorting my own feelings out. Which is perhaps why I'm so weakly opinionated, I don't know. And it often means that when it comes to guys, I can never be sure whether I'm just crushing on someone, or if I actually like them, until it's over. Over meaning feelings completely gone, or over as in, it's no longer a crush, it's a relationship. It also often means that I don't know what I want. This makes me upset, because to me, it seems like a very pathetic personality trait.
• And this is just something small for the few people who still bother to check up on my blog (that I would probably be too shy to say in real life for fear that you'd tease me, or try to get more out of me XD ): Today, my thoughts wandered to a certain someone, and I (unexpectedly) got butterflies in my tummy, and at the time I thought it was just because of my upcoming exam and assignments that are due, but I thought about them again just then, and I got butterflies AGAIN (but I was also simultaneously thinking about my exam/assignments) so GAH! fml if you ask me who it is, I probably won't be able to hide it because I suck at lying (like, really, gah I wish I could pull off a poker face) .. so anyways, my point is, don't ask me about it! >< hahah
• And I have a really horrible habit of beginning sentences with the word 'and'. In high school essays, commentaries, etc, I was always careful never to do that. But (and if you haven't noticed, I also start lots of sentences with but, so, anyways, and anywho/how) for some reason, it's just become inherent in my conversational speech. Oh noeeessssssss :(

Yeah, so, that's my day so far. I guess you can expect more frequent updates on here again. It's just. This used to be my venue to write to myself; and then it was a place to write things so that Tommy could read them (because I wanted to keep him updated, but we didn't/don't actually talk very often); and now ... Now, I'm not sure what it is. But I don't think it matters so much .. I think that it's just nice to write here again, even if my grammar/spelling/whatnot sucks, and the content is uber boring. I think it just sort of helps me organize myself. :)

Rant

This week has been so stressful, and it is entirely my fault.
1. I haven't started on my assignment that's due next Thursday.
2. I haven't been studying very hard for the extremely difficult oral bio exam, which is also next Thursday.
3. I've been a horrible friend who tried to guilt-trip other friends into doing something that they didn't want to do.
4. As a result of being slightly tipsy + no. 3, I ended up crying - which sort of added to my stresses.
5. I've been paranoid because people haven't been replying to my texts, and don't know if it's because I offended them, they don't think I'm worth replying to, I said something wrong, etc etc
6. My friend has been going through hardships, and it all seemed to come down on him in this past one week, but I have no idea what to say to him because I suck at giving advice (if I were someone else, I would never come to me for advice either). Even though he's good at putting up a front and acting like he's all fine, I can't help but be super worried about him.

Far out :( I know I haven't really been through anything, but I think my lack of sleep and built-up stresses are just catching up to me, and I've been feeling down all week. Usually my mood lifts when I'm around other people, but I just feel like I've been lowering other people's moods when I'm around them lately instead. I just want to feel happy for no reason again.. *sigh*